Perhaps We Are Just Afraid of No Longer Being Liked

JurnalPost.com - Not all agreements are born from desire. Some are spoken out of reluctance, some arise from a fear of disappointing others, and some are simply a way to avoid feeling uncomfortable.

Regret often comes later. There is a lingering frustration that is hard to explain—not toward the person asking for help, but toward oneself for once again ignoring personal desires to please others.

This habit is known as people pleasing, which is the tendency to prioritize the desires and comfort of others to the point where one's own needs are neglected. People who experience this are often viewed as kind, friendly, and always reliable. However, being "kind" by constantly sacrificing oneself is not a healthy form of kindness.

Research on 112 Islamic Guidance and Counseling students at UIN Raden Mas Said Surakarta shows that most respondents fall into the moderate category for people-pleasing behavior (Zalika & Nisa, 2024).

Why Is Saying "No" So Difficult?

The difficulty in saying "no" sometimes arises from a fear of losing something, such as acceptance, closeness, or one's image as a good person.

Humans indeed have a need to feel connected and accepted in relationships with others (Baumeister & Leary, 1995). This need is natural. However, problems arise when we feel we must constantly yield just to keep relationships running smoothly.

The culture in which we grow up shapes how we treat others. In Javanese society, the value of harmony (kerukunan) is often taught from childhood. We are accustomed to not showing objections, avoiding conflict, and not disappointing others.

These values are fundamentally good. However, harmony can become a burden when peace is interpreted only as staying silent, yielding, and holding back.

To understand harmony fully, it is important to distinguish between superficial harmony and essential harmony. Superficial harmony only appears peaceful on the surface, while deep down, it harbors unresolved conflicts and dissatisfaction.

Conversely, essential harmony is built through empathy and a willingness to understand one another (Lestari et al., 2013).

When we always say "yes" just so no one is disappointed, what we are maintaining may not be a healthy relationship, but rather a superficial one.

When Always Agreeing Becomes Exhausting

Agreeing to every request feels safe for a while. There are no arguments, no guilt, and no disappointment to face.

However, there is a price that must eventually be paid. Energy is drained, time is spent doing things we do not actually want to do, and frustration continues to accumulate without ever being expressed.

This habit can also make relationships less honest. Others only know us as someone who always agrees and never objects. They may think we are truly willing, when in reality, behind every agreement lies a desire we never dared to voice.

Research on self-silencing, the habit of suppressing one's own thoughts and feelings to maintain relationships, has found a link between this habit and symptoms of depression, particularly in women (Jack & Dill, 1992).

These findings do not mean that everyone who struggles to say no will experience depression. However, they show that feelings that are constantly suppressed do not simply disappear. They can develop into emotional exhaustion, loneliness, or even self-loathing.

Self-determination theory also emphasizes the importance of autonomy—the feeling that our choices and actions truly originate from ourselves (Ryan & Deci, 2000).

When someone constantly does things they do not want to do just to please others, they may slowly lose the opportunity to recognize and fulfill their own needs.

Learning to Refuse Without Feeling Guilty

The ability to refuse is not an innate talent. It is a skill that can be learned and practiced.

A study of students in Surabaya found that group counseling using assertiveness training techniques can significantly reduce people-pleasing behavior (Arlenia & Farid, 2025).

The limited number of participants means the results should be interpreted with caution and cannot be widely generalized. Nevertheless, these findings suggest that learning to express thoughts, needs, and personal boundaries assertively can be a way to reduce the tendency to always please others.

Refusing does not have to be done harshly or coldly. We can still communicate boundaries honestly without ignoring the feelings of others.

For example, by saying, "I don't think I can help today. Maybe tomorrow afternoon would work."

Or, "Thanks for the invite, but I really need some rest right now."

Simple sentences like these remind us that refusing a request is not the same as rejecting a person. We are simply acknowledging that the needs of others are not the only things that need to be considered.

For someone just starting to learn how to say no, feeling guilty at first is normal. That feeling does not always mean we have done something wrong. It may just be that the guilt arises because we are trying to break an old habit that was previously mistaken for kindness.

Being a good person does not mean having to be available to everyone at all times. Healthy kindness also provides space for oneself to rest, make choices, and express objections.

Ultimately, maintaining relationships with others is important. However, a healthy relationship should not demand that someone constantly ignore themselves.

Because a "yes" born from genuine desire will always feel more sincere than a "yes" spoken only out of fear of disappointment.